How He Feels About Me.

So I kind of like this one guy still.

One thing though. He’s still totally into someone else. I’ve tried to fight my feelings because I know it’s a futile operation, but still the feeling remains.

Today was complicated. He’s been pulling away from me to “help” me. You know, less texts, phone calls, emails. He’s keeping it all business, but I keep holding on.

God just gave me this revelation though. The way I’m wanting this guy to come to his senses and realize I’m the one he wants is the same way God is desperate for me. He’s desperate for me, but my interests, just like this guy, lie elsewhere though I really love Him. I’m divided.

But how much would I BEAM if this guy turned his heart to me? So how much more would the God of the Universe radiate if I turned my heart toward Him completely?

So I’m asking God to transfer the feelings I have for this guy, this devotion I cherish, to Him.

I’m afraid though. I love that feeling of being infatuated. Or what if I’m so in love with God that I can’t love a man when the time comes? But God is like…God. He’ll expand my ability to love completely and unconditionally when it’s right. I mean, God created desire. He told me to go be fruitful and multiply so He’s definitely for my next relationship. The relationship is part of His plan for my life.

He loves me so much that He says whoever messes with me is messing with the apple of His eye (Zech. 2:8).

So I don’t have to worry about the dude who doesn’t want me. I know how the God of my heart feels about me. And how He feels about me is indescribable.

Be blessed.

Passion and Principle.

So recently I led a group in my home about relationships, and it was so much fun. It was a co-ed group, evenly split between women and men. When the group was over, I felt like I was really ready to date the “right way.” After all, I now had a blueprint to go by.

One problem. I had the blueprint but no tools to build with.

Over ten years ago, I decided to become celibate—I’d had a pretty dark past, and I just wanted God to heal me. Of course I still had crushes, I still went out here and there. But I never got into anything serious. After this class was over however, I ran into three different men who were interested in me.

And I lost. My. Mind.

I had a set of principles that I was living by before. But the principles had changed all of a sudden.

For ten years, the principle was simply this: Don’t touch. You’re just not ready.

But what was my new principle now that I was ready to do relationships right? I hadn’t bothered to figure that out.

I struggle with a seriously compulsive personality when not kept in check. What do I mean by compulsive? Blurting everything that comes to mind, identifying every emotion and acting on it. I used to call it being passionate, but really, it’s just a lack of self-control.

Before chastity, I had no boundaries. I did whatever made me feel good. Before chastity, I would have found a way to be with all three of those guys who liked me. And because I was who I was, I would have lost them all. I knew what was good for my mind, body and spirit—I was raised with principles. But what I wanted, whatever I was passionate about, always superseded what I knew was best for me.

Can I just tell you—that’s such an exhausting way to live. But He’s making me better.

Two things are helping me get principled. Galatians 5:22/23 talks about the fruit of the Spirit being comprised of many virtues including self-control. God is showing me how ridiculous my lack of control looks, not just as a Christ-follower, but just in general. I mean, really? Who enjoys constantly being around someone who is out of control? It’s fun at first, kind of exciting. But after a while, it’s just annoying. And if the person who’s out of control is you, it’s not like you can get away.

The second thing is realizing that passion for something or someone is like a cup of hot coffee. In the cup, it can be sipped and enjoyed. When it’s spilled all over the place, it can burn you and the people around you. No one enjoys that.

Pretty simple.

It’s like Mr. Miyagi say: “Danielson, never put passion over principle. Even if win, you lose.” So today, right now, just call me Charlie Sheen. Because I’m, duh, winning.

Be blessed.